The Nightmare Continues...

Lice again -- or still, more likely.

Our faith in poison shampoo has been shaken by credible reports that the lice around here are resistant to it. Our faith in the new miracle Cetaphil cure has been shaken by recurring infestations after strict adherence to the protocol. Our faith in nit-combing has been shaken by the discovery of multiple plump, live bugs on the heads of people who had been carefully combed the night before. Even the last resort buzz cut has proved a less than reliable cure.

And yet there seems to be no alternative but to pursue these futile treatment plans, along with an exhaustive, exhausting regimen of laundry & linen-changing. We (and perhaps you can guess to whom this particular editorial "we" refers) are frankly at our wits' end.

We -- yes, that "we" again -- have been amused by some of the expert advice out there, including this gem from the Harvard School of Public Health: "A few lice on the head should not cause alarm; rather, they present an opportunity for parents to spend the needed time with their children in order to find and remove the offending insects. Grooming can be an effective method to remove lice, and engenders several associated physiological and behavioral benefits as well."

What is this, the "Head Lice as Kumbayah" theory? No offense, Professor, but in our experience the soothing effects of primate grooming (and yes, we do believe in these) are pretty well wiped out by the general misery inflicted by the nit-comb... It's hard to think of it as "quality time" when the child is regularly emitting shrieks of pain.

To be sure, no small part of our panic & despair (two major killers of any grooming-induced high) is due to the fact that pretty much every lice treatment protocol out there is physically and/or logistically unfeasible. "It may require several hours each night for several nights to tackle the problem," the Harvard folks admit. Oh, and which several hours each night would those be? You weren't planning on doing anything else for the next week, were you? No, no, no: this is your life. Over. And over. Again.

Plus some of us (yes, that's "us" again) present particularly daunting terrain to even the most determined nit-picker: "Whereas straight hair is usually readily combed, tight curls may present an impossible and impractical challenge." (This seems cruelly redundant, Professor: do you have to specify that it's impractical when you've already declared it impossible?) So the curly-haired among us are left in constant tormenting doubt, acutely aware of every itch & flake.

So between the panic, the despair, the sixth load of laundry, and the hopefully hallucinatory crawling sensations all over our scalp, we found ourselves nodding sympathetically at this observation (again, the Harvard crew): "Cryptic infestations: Some people earnestly believe that they are actively infested, even though no louse or other parasite can be detected. These cases can be particularly difficult to manage, and the affected individual should not be dismissed as being unstable."

Unstable? Unstable? Professor, you have no idea.