Middle School Jujitsu: Josie's Anti-Bullying Policy

I was in art class this morning, and this one girl is always like, "Tuna! How are you, Tuna?" And she gets her friends to say it too: "Hello, Tuna! Welcome to our humble abode, Tuna! Tuna, Tuna, Tuna!" I've been trying to figure it out for like, the longest time. I was thinking it might be about Jim from "The Office," because he's tall and they call him the Big Tuna. But then I asked them if they watch "The Office" and they yelled at me and got really mad. Well, today they finally they told me, "It's because you smell like tuna!"

Well, that's just not.... true. I don't smell like tuna. I don't even think they think I smell like tuna. I think they're just trying to make me worry that I smell like tuna. (Or maybe there's something wrong with their noses, like a hysterical pregnancy.) But I'm not worried, because I just don't smell like tuna. Who smells like tuna? It's not, like, a thing to smell like tuna.

So I pointed out to them that in order to have a truly effective insult, the overarching concept has to be based on a person's actual insecurities. I even wrote them a note:

Here, let me make some suggestions about how to insult me more effectively in future:

I am too tall.
My hair is too frizzy.
I am nerdy.
My shoes are clunky.
My mom is weird. [They have no idea. -- Ed.]
I am a slow runner.
I am fatter than some people on the planet.
I am not as good at rollerderby as some people.
My eyes are gray. [Honey, your eyes are blue. -- Ed.]
I listen to old music.
I am bossy sometimes.

So now, if she uses anything that's on that list, then it really doesn't work because I told her to do that, so I can say, "Good one! I'm glad you took my advice -- that's a lot better!" And anything that's not on that list is going to be like, "You look like papier mache," which is not going to make me feel bad because it's just ridiculous.