Mom? Can I borrow your fabric markers?
Um, sure... What do you need them for?
Well, I want to have a big party with everyone I know, and then we all go to Goodwill and buy shirts that have nothing on them. And then we go back to my house, and we write things on them, like "Go Tuna!" and "I'm with the Tuna Squad!" and "TUNA SQUAD 4EVAH" (No, not really.) And "I [HEART] Tuna" and stuff like that. Then everybody wears them to school on a certain day. And that is that.
Why do you want to do that?
To convey to those girls, how little I care that they call me Tuna, and make it not really an insult any more.
Do you care that they call you Tuna?
It's not insulting, but it's offensive. And it's annoying. And they won't stop. It got better, but it didn't altogether stop.
Don't you think this will just make them mad, and make it worse?
Well, it's not about them. It's about how I want them to know that I don't care if they do that. So they can call me Tuna, but it doesn't really bother me because I've taken the power of the insult away. Which might make them mad because they've been relying on "Tuna" as the best insult they could think of.
Do you think it will make them feel humiliated, like you won, somehow?
I don't know. Winning seems kind of petty, and what I'm doing might just be like, "Sorry bra, I actually don't care what you say about me," rather than "Ha ha! I got you! Little stinker!"
But if you really don't care, then why do you have to do anything at all?
Because they might want to know that I don't care, so they can start spending their time on other things, like boys and movies and knitting, maybe.
Okay, but do you really think this is going to make them stop spending their time insulting you? I mean, I think it's a totally awesome, creative, hilarious way to take the power out of the insult, like you said. I'm just concerned that if it makes them feel humiliated and powerless, then it's going to spark a whole new level of harassment that is going to be even more of a pain.
But if I don't do anything, I feel like I am powerless -- like I am choosing to be powerless. I know that I'm not powerless, but if I don't do anything, they think I am, and then I think I am too.
Well, I get that it's annoying, and that ignoring them is making you feel like they've won. But I think you have to ask yourself how this is going to make them feel, and then decide if a) you really need to make them feel that way, and b) if those feelings will make them come back at you with something even meaner.
You're making it sound evil, like I'm the one who's the bully! If they feel bad, that I made their insult not so powerful, then I'm not going to feel like, "Oh, I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings!" I'm going to be like, "Well, maybe you should quit calling me Tuna." I mean, if someone has a nuclear bomb, and you defuse it, and they start crying, you're not going to go around apologizing to them.
Calling you Tuna is not a nuclear bomb.
It's called a metaphor, Mom.
I know what a metaphor is, Josie. I just don't want you to be the one who makes the situation worse.
Let's ask the blog people what they think I should do.
Good idea.
Friends, we have been going in circles on this for several days. Can you please help us resolve the question of whether Josie and her friends should all wear "TUNA SHREDS" and "TUNA 4EVAH" shirts to school? Please answer the poll at right, and feel free to leave your comments here.
P.S. For a little background on the situation, you can read up here, and here.
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16 comments:
I happen to think that calling a woman of any age "Tuna" is incredibly insulting, disrespectful, and demeaning. I remember when VW Cabriole's were called "Tuna Baskets", and it was a very disrespectful, sexually loaded label. These bullies might have just picked a random word that they thought was funny, but maybe they didn't and have more hurtful thoughts behind the choice of the word "Tuna".
It seems that Josie has a really good sense of self and self worth, but I do agree with your take of asking her to see her proposed actions through her intended victim's eyes. If you make a bully mad, or hurt, they will just hit back harder.
The high road is the way to go here, and maybe a word to a teacher or two.
Good luck!
Oh, man Mik...this is hitting some really raw places in my mommyness. To be completely honest? I want to go to Josie's school and kick as many asses as may need kicking. Who are these damn people and why is this even being tolerated by the school? I guess that's one. And I get your concerns and what Anonymous is getting at but man, part of me wants to say your amazing, beautiful, superfantastic kid has hit on something that makes her feel powerful and I wanna say "Go". Because the other thing about stupid ass bullies (god...nothing gets me worked up more) is that very often the frakking cowards can't handle the push back. If she stands up to them, in her own, creative, empowered way, they just might shut the frak up. And if they don't, well, Auntie Raine is totally ready to revert to plan A and go kick some damn butt.
(But again, why the hell isn't the school shutting this down?)
I can see both yours and Josie's points, and I think that there's no real win situation here. While I think Josie trying to make light of the situation and empower herself through humor is a good road to take, I don't think it's going to stop the tuna b*tches in the long run. Who knows, they may retaliate by making their own shirts and before you know it, you've got a propaganda t-shirt war. Instead of furthering the divide between Josie and the bullies, I think that they need to be on the same side of something – a common goal or cause where they rely on each other as allies. This is where the school may have to step in. We need to do something bigger and better with the greater good of the student body in mind. It's a big, daunting project, but I think it may be well worth it.
Maybe I'm missing something, but I have trouble seeing why it's bound to make them angry. She's not retaliating, she's not calling them names, she's not proposing to escalate. Sounds to me like she's trying to take the power out of the name by taking ownership of it in a way that could show good humor and self respect. If Hannah proposed something like this, I'd be tempted to offer to class it up a little by using some of those iron-on laser-jet printed transfers, with nice looking lettering and artistically integrated images.
This situation is super crappy, and I am familiar with it. I was super gothy in a huge suburban high school. There were only a few of us and we were bullied in many different ways. Many times I hatched plans of self-empowerment, and rarely did I act on them. Josie really wants to try this plan. Doing nothing and speculating what the results will be does not give her the opportunity to learn something new or answer any of the questions the situation raises. If she enacts her plan, she will have the opportunity to experience the results of her experiment first hand, in a relatively safe environment. Will it feel empowering? Will thy be angry? Will they stop? She will find out! My advice is simply, let her try it. Not because it's right or wrong, but because there is something to learn from it, and it's her lesson to learn, whatever it may be. Respect to both of you for your thoughtful consideration of the complexities.
Anything Josie does is likely to continue, if not escalate, this conflict. It may not be nearly as satisfying as gathering a unified force in her defense, but the only way to let this die is to let it die. If they don't get push-back or a reaction, calling her names won't be nearly as satisfying to them. (sorry, Josie!)
And I'm with Lorraine's last comment - where the hell are the adults at her school?? There should be consequences for this bullying.
I think this is a very tough situation, and, as Lena says, there is no winning in this situation. This hits very close to home for me, and it's upsetting to hear.
I agree with the people who have said that the adults in the school should be notified, but remembering my school days, the adults were able to stop such things only when they were physically present. And there are many times when they are not physically present, or at least within earshot.
I am not smart enough to offer advice on what to do, but my suggestion is that whatever she decides to do (and it sounds like you guys are having an amazing discussion about it, the kind of conversation all of us with kids hope to be able to have), that she does not take her measure of success how the other kids react.
She will have no control over whether they get meaner, they shut up, or they just continue. The best defense against such things is not caring what the other person says/does. That is awfully difficult to achieve, so the second best defense is not showing that you care what the other person says/does.
What this says about her plan... I guess I would say that if she feels better doing it, then she should. But that is different thing than figuring out a goal for how to stop this abuse.
This is a lousy situation and you have my total empathy, as well as my admiration to both of you for how forthrightly you are addressing it.
Mikala, Josie,
While I love the ideal of the high road, I am also impressed with the creativity of proposed response. Appropriating the nickname is a very intelligent, creative and empowering act. Of course, it may result in some sort of escalation by the kids who coined the nickname. But, imho, as long as Josie knows she is powerful, creative, and loved by friends and family, the response is not going to hurt as much as living with a feeling of being disempowered and voiceless. My hunch is that the bullies won't really know what to make of the T-shirt campaign -- that they will miss the subtle irony of having their nickname appropriated. I say Go For It, Girl!
I love this idea, and I agree with John. Appropriating a taunt as your own is a great move. Where would we be without Yankee Doodle? (OK, don't answer that).
The challenge is how to invite the other girls to be in on the right side of the joke. Self-deprecation works sometimes, but maybe there's a way to turn the whole situation into a fun and funny situation.
So how about a different musical inspiration -- something along the lines of Sondheim's Sharks & Jets? Maybe these other girls need some identity they can call their own. Give them a good name, and make them some T-shirts too.
Parents can come up with the weirdest ideas... Good luck with this one.
Hello All,
I'm going to have Josie read all these comments after school and hopefully share some of her thoughts. Meanwhile I'd like to say just quickly that the adults at school are *definitely* aware of the situation and have been working mightily to address it -- with some success, even. Yes, it is a lousy situation, but Josie is not going through it alone and unsupported by any means. Thanks to all of you for your thoughts, sympathy, and encouragement -- it means a lot to both of us.
I'm not going to further the discussion, because I see the pros & cons to each side: 1. if it make Josie feel better then go for it; vs 2. the t-shirt response will let the girls know that their taunting really does bother her (at least, bother her enough that she goes to the trouble of making the shirts), and could thus make the girls feel like they've succeeded. I tend to fall on side 2 - personally, I would just let it go to the greatest degree possible.
I'm more than a week late to the commenting party, and whatever course Josie is going to take has already been taken. But. This post made me think about Dan Savage and how, in the early days of his Savage Love column, he instructed readers who wrote in with questions to address him as "Hey, Faggot." If they didn't, he put the salutation in for them when he printed the letters. It was the same kind of thing that Josie's considering, but without the T-shirts.
So...what if she and her friends appropriated the term, without T-shirts? What if they all just called each other Tuna, jokingly, affectionately? The instigators would be bound to hear, and it would take the exasperating power out of the term, but it wouldn't be so--literally-- in their face. A bunch of fabric-painted T-shirts are exclusionary: some people are in the club, wearing the uniform, and some aren't. But an insulting term that's been turned around and reclaimed verbally; that's something different, and something that can even, if the perpetrators can bring themselves to be big-hearted and brave and so inclined, be used as a way into the club, themselves. (If someone's friends are calling her Tuna, and you're calling her Tuna too, does that make you...one of her friends? I understand that neither Josie nor the name callers probably want to be friends, but it forces the name-callers to at least consider the possibility.)
I hope it all works out, though. And whatever happens, I'm grateful to Josie, and to you, for being so thoughtful and creative and grounded about this. Grateful because whenever someone brings things up to a more generous level it makes the world better. Corny, but true.
I like the idea. I think that it will probably offend them, but, if your not being mean to them and they're being mean to you, why should you care if they're offended. Do it.
Whoops. I just read the date on the post. Guess i was a little late. Well, I still think you should do it.
As an adult in her building; we are aware and we do care. However there is a silent code of bullying; kids just putting up with it in the hopes it goes away which I get, experienced and understand but doesn't help me do my job any better. We can't fix what we don't know; but we can fix what we know... tuna shirts versus no tuna shirts? Josie... think about the purpose of doing so from all angles and what your comfortable with... share with me and I might wear one too! Now that would be a message! :-)
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